On my way to work this morning i received an email from Ashanti (Better known as "The Black Carrie Bradshaw") linking me to her newest blog post "Coconut Oil For The Mind" where she discusses her unexpected break up concluding with how you are meant to be uncomfortable in order to grow. What a wonderful time for her to post about on this topic right after the clouds cleared in what seemed to be a devastating time in my life. 3 days ago on a car ride home me and my boyfriend got into a heated and ego filled conversation about how the bad habits that we were holding on to were detrimental to our life. the talk was mostly heartfelt and much need feelings being expressed except they were drenched in the egos negative effects which made communicating efficiently extremely unobtainable. This is my twin flame we're talking about though, i could feel everything he really meant and my heart was crying out the same things to him and that is when i realized it was my own stubbornness holding me back from just expressing to him that i felt the same way as he did and that i wanted to change it.
It wasn't until i got home and cried that i realized how hard it was to break habits you allow yourself to be comfortable having. I was so used to talking to him harshly and communicating in a way that only made me seem spoiled and inconsiderate that i couldn't even look inside myself and find the answers i needed! It wasn't even about him or our relationship at this point i knew it was about me and only me, I was so afraid of stepping outside of what i had become used to doing due to situations i claimed i had forgiven. The next morning i woke up and something just didn’t feel right, i wanted more for myself, i wanted to discover all of those things i wasn't allowing to shine through and suddenly it hit me . GET UP! i put on my favorite station on pandora, i hadn't used it in months, and i started getting ready for my day. i honestly had no idea what the future held at that moment but i knew i was going to allow myself to be uncomfortable until i broke those habits.
Discovery #1- "Never stop doing the things you love."
My anxiety made it hard for me listen to music all together unless i was forced to at work or in the car because it triggered feelings i just didn't want to deal with. as i danced in the mirror getting ready i realized that not only did it give me time to self reflect it boosted my mood. Once we left the house we traveled to the nearest shopping center to shop for an event that night ( he 's a music producer *insert heart eyes here*) i taught myself to just admire him and let him be while allowing myself time to self reflect and that's where i found discovery #2.
Discovery #2- "Spending time trying yo get someone to love you for you shows that you need to learn to love you, for you."
i stopped shaving my legs and even completely stopped wearing any makeup to find out if my boyfriend would love me for me. This was a bittersweet habit because i actually started to love myself natural more but i noticed i was trying to use him to fill a void only i could fill. i had to learn that if i wanted to be me i needed to know who i truly was so that night while he attended his event i spent time with a close friend of mine and her best friend. we talked about old memories , laughed about the things we used to do, and even discussed our present lives as well as our future. some of the things we talked about i was scared to even think about because those times in my life were mixed with a lot of bad memories and being scared to talk about those times meant i unintentionally forgot the good things .
Discovery #3- "Your past is a part of who you are, ignoring it will only create false feelings of happiness that will leave you feeling empty"
I feared the very thought of my past because i felt that i was inadequate of healing myself and afraid of old memories and thoughts that would be once again revealed to me. During that next day i spent a lot of time thinking around the truth only to realize that in order for me to truly be myself and grow i must accept my past as a part of me and take the good with the bad and vice versa. Those memories weren't just filled with darkness there was moments of light too and each of the light and dark moments merged together to mold me into everything that i am today and everything that i will become. These were only a few of my latest discovery of "self" but i learned such an important lesson..
If it doesn't make you uncomfortable it will not make you grow!
From 2016 archives